Hello and welcome back to another edition of, “Is This A Remake Of ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or Did Georgia Just Make The Biggest Mistake Since One Major GOP Donor Turned To The Other Major GOP Donor And Said, ‘Trump? Hahahahaha. Don’t Worry, It’ll Never Last.”
Mark Richt is back in town. He’s smiling. He’s 3-0 with Miami and his team plays at Georgia Tech, where he has never lost.
Kirby Smart is back in town. He’s pale. His team looks like the old Far Side cartoon, “The Boneless Chicken Ranch,” with collapsed feathered bodies laying on a field, unable to walk, or stand, or scream, “Help, Ole Miss just stole my dignity, and my skeletal frame, and my lunch money.”
If Richt continues to win, and Georgia continues to lose, it will be the first time the Dogs have been this humiliated by one of their former coaches since Jim Donnan was fired and then decided to enter the business world with, “Fly By Night Investments, Catfish and Such,” only to spontaneously combust and reaffirm he should never be trusted as the banker in Monopoly.
The Dogs opened the season with a win over North Carolina. Then they beat Nicholls State by two points, and Missouri by one, and then they were poleaxed in Oxford.
So now seemingly half of the Bulldogs’ fans think they never should have fired Richt, while the other half think Kirby Smart is overmatched and didn’t do anything more in Alabama than unwrap Nick Saban’s Little Debbie snack cakes, while the other half think Smart inherited a talent-less team from that no-talent hack Richt, while the other half think Smart just started the job so he can be excused for falling behind 45-0, because, you know, this is like going from football to … wait, football?
How many halves is that?
Never mind, they’re all geraniums.
But if you think that’s crazy, what about this: Georgia is going to win, anyway. Why? Because humiliation can be a wonderful motivator. And Tennessee has been pretty unimpressive itself. And I suspect the Dogs’ secondary is going to make some plays this week. And the game is in Athens. And damn I’m good. Maybe also deluded.
The line is 3. Take the points. But Dogs win straight up.
Monty Python on my Georgia pick
Sack Schultz 2016
Week 4 update: I’ve climbed from 144th to 55th to 29th place in the overall standings, going 12-3 in contest picks last week. Last week’s winners were Reginald Slaughter (13-2) of Atlanta and Richard Zorger (13-2) of Kokomo, Indiana. Not playing? No worries. You still have a chance to win weekly prizes from Kroger and Fathead and the grand prizes: tickets to the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl and/or a $2,500 Apple Vacation. Go to MyAJC.com/go/sackschultz2016 to register.
(Add fries and an unused conscience from an LSU administrator for 99 cents.)
Miami at Georgia Tech: Richt has won his first three games by an average score of 51-8, which would be really impressive if the first three opponents weren’t named Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic and Appalachian State. This isn’t Athens but it might as well be Richt’s homecoming: He’s 21-2 against Tech going back to his days as a Florida State assistant, including 12-0 at Tech. I believe that constitutes a trend. Buzz down. Canes cover 7½.
Richt is so happy, he feels like jumping rope (Jesus Jeans commercial, circa 1982)
Florida at Vanderbilt: Florida’s new athletic director, Scott Stricklin, played a major role in Mississippi State’s Jeffery Simmons getting suspended for only one game for punching a woman. So I guess this means the Urban Meyer Sentencing Guidelines are back in place. Go Gators. Florida covers 10.
Missouri at LSU: The invertebrates at LSU weren’t satisfied with only one national championship and two SEC titles since 2007 and a near undefeated season five years ago, so they fired Les Miles four games into the season and have given the big whistle to Ed Orgeron, who went 3-21 in the SEC when he was at Ole Miss. Moonshine logic. Like most things in Baton Rouge, this won’t make a lot of sense when the hangover wears off. LSU wins but take Mizzou and 13.
Louisville at Clemson: When asked this week about the LSU job, Bobby Petrino said, “I’m not interested in going anywhere.” And when Bobby Petrino says something, you can take that to the bank. In Bolivia. Take the gift 2 but Clemson wins straight up.
The Bobby Petrino Image Makeover
North Carolina at Florida State: Jimbo Fisher says he doesn’t want to talk to about the LSU job, either. Get back to him in November after a few more losses. Noles cover 10.
Kentucky at Alabama: It’s hard being Kentucky. Getting your hair and makeup just right for all of these Homecoming weeks cuts into practice time. Tide covers 35½.
Georgia State at Appalachian State: State hung in there with Wisconsin in its last game, losing only by six. Is it possible to have a letdown after a backdoor cover? This time the Panthers are a 19-point dog. They’ll lose. But, hey, 19: We can dance together (assist, Steely Dan).
NFL Six Pack
Panthers at Falcons: The best story of the week was Carolina fullback Mike Tolbert getting into a feud with an auto mechanic so he paid his $3,943.93 bill in change. Pretty soon, Panthers ticket holders are going to be asking for change. I’ll roll with the Falcons and 3, and straight up.
Mike Tolbert paying his car bill
Broncos at Buccaneers: Since winning the Revenge Bowl in the Georgia Dome, Mike Smith’s defense has allowed eight touchdowns and 736 yards in two games and Dirk Koetter has seen Jameis Winston throw five interceptions, fumble twice and been sacked five times. So much for the afterglow. Denver covers 3.
Bills at Patriots: New England is 3-0 without Tom Brady. They went 1-2 last year in their last three games with him. Hey, just saying. Slacker. Starting at quarterback this week: a gerbil. Patriots cover 6.
Saints at Chargers: Drew Brees goes back to San Diego for the first time since he left. Given the Saints’ start, this might be a good time to defect. Chargers cover 4.
Giants at Vikings: You may not remember this but Mike Zimmer was the Falcons’ defensive coordinator in 2007 under Petrino. So the Vikings’ 3-0 start is further confirmation that he wasn’t the problem. Minny covers 4½.
Browns at Washington: Cleveland is 0-3 and has started three different quarterbacks but Terrelle Pryor said this week, “I think we can win all the rest of the games.” They’re so cute when they’re young. Washington covers 9.
P&L Statement (column picks)
Last week (ick): 7-5 straight up, 5-7 against the line.
Through 4 weeks: 37-14 straight up, 25-24-2 against the line.
Lilly’s pick: I considered dropping her on the depth chart after last week’s Georgia pick vs. Ole Miss but I didn’t have a backup mutt. She’s only 2-2 on the season. So this week, she tries again. Pictures of “Uga” to the left and “Smokey” to the right. Lilly darts to the cheeseball on the . . . right! Guess she’s done with Georgia. Vols win.
- Falcons’ Deion Jones runs for glory, not survival, in return home
- Falcons create a new memory for themselves in New Orleans
- Falcons can’t create more happy memories for Saints
- LSU just fired Les Miles — this is what lunacy looks like
- New Georgia looks a lot like the old Georgia
- Jacob Eason wasn’t good but this isn’t time to blame quarterback
- Weekend Predictions: NCAA over Ole Miss but Ole Miss over Dogs
- Credit Georgia Tech for going after the right choice in Stansbury
- Overreaction Monday: Everybody wins! What can possibly go wrong?
- Falcons’ 35 points, 528 yards should quiet criticism of Shanahan
- Falcons put on an offense show — and, yes, win
- Falcons try to avoid going from 0-1 to off the rails
- Weekend Predictions: Dogs rebound, Jackets win, Falcons fall
- Coppollella acknowledges on Twitter starters have been disappointing
- Politicians need to understand: Sports has a hammer — get used to it
- Overreaction Monday: Red zone, tackling and can anybody run block?
- As season opens, it’s Mike Smith 1, Falcons 0
- Georgia exposed by opponent it should’ve easily handled
- Smart’s limited media access accomplishing nothing
- Weekend Predictions: Falcons over their exes; Dogs, Jackets cover
- Mets sign Tebow but he looks more like ‘Sideshow Tim’ than player
- If Braves sign Tebow, it’s about circus and revenue, not bas